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Chereoge
CHEREOGE

Nigerian (Rape) Culture: And the Small Things That Cause Big Issues.

(...but it's not just Nigeria. It's a global pandemic.)



Culture is people's way of life.

It's reflected in their customs, traditions, ethics, how they treat others.

In Nigeria, most of these traditions are usually not in favour of women. (Let's face it, most cultures aren't.)

These cultures remind women that they should never forget 'their place'.

It enforces strict boundaries and ridiculous standards on women to keep them in check.


They allow women to be perceived as objects or properties as seen in practices like wife-inheritance and dowries.

Their practices revere womanhood on the sole basis of matrimony, childbirth, and maternity,

and praises manhood based on displays of machismo.


Violence against women is deeply embedded in most of these traditions so that it's normalised, and in cases relished.


One subtle and often disregarded impact of these traditions is its role in perpetuating rape culture.


Rape culture, (behaviours that encourage the normalisation of sexual violence and victim-blaming),

the focus on how she dresses, how she carries herself, what she was wearing, where she was at, and at what time,

the prevalence of skits portraying women as objects of sexual desire,

the advice, (that don't work), given to women and girls to keep them at arm's length,

the validation given to your guy friends for being able to talk unwilling girls into having sex with them.

Rape culture allows for these instances of verbal coercion and manipulation to be trivialised to bare 'sweet-talking'.


It's pleas asking for victims to consider the mental health of their rapist.


It's the sexual entitlement that births words like friend-zoned (because after all, if a man wants a romantic relationship with a woman, far be it from her that she chooses to retain a platonic one with him).


It's 'boys will be boys'.

An innocuous statement that allows for certain behaviours to go unchecked. It says that because of their sex, these (harmful) behaviours are expected, excusable, and a deviation is atypical.

It allows for these exceptions to either be praised for doing the bare minimum or mocked for not conforming to this 'norm'.


See Simp. Another catchall word used as a 'joke' and aimed at men who are seen to 'overvalue' women when these men do things like, defend women, agree with them, act decently towards them. This word implies that men who respect women must have ulterior motives.


Rape culture is present when certain cases of rape are classified as 'real', because of force, or blood, or death of the victim, while those that don't fit this pattern are subjected to scrutiny, disregard, and victim-blaming.


Rape culture does not outwardly support rape, rather it overlooks certain behaviours that contribute to sexual misconduct.

It can be easy to tweet 'DON'T RAPE WOMEN' but it starts to hit closer for certain people when 'RAPE' is substituted for 'SEXUALLY ASSAULT'.


It's imperative to understand that rape is an example of sexual assault but not the only form of sexual misconduct.

Sexual misconduct is a broad spectrum from unacceptable conduct -like catcalling,- to criminal conduct, like sexual assault.



My first sexual harassment experience was unwanted caressing, that at that time, I would have considered accidental if wasn't for its suggestive nature.

Looking back, I can name a couple of behaviours I disregarded, rather than addressed them for what they were-assault or harassment.

The unwelcome touching.

Trying to slip their dicks in, each time we made out when I’ve plainly said, times without number, that I don’t want to have sex with them.

Usually followed by anger directed at me.

Casually manipulative words, ‘childish’, ‘boring’, aimed my way, after a declined sexual activity.


On this sexual misconduct spectrum, it starts from the overlooked things, the harassment.

It’s the 'accidental' touching.

The unsolicited dick pics,

side comments, cat-calling.

It’s overlooked things like ‘Tap Current’- Nigerian slang for groping.

It’s making lists ranking girls’ hotness.

It’s standing under the stairs to look into girl’s skirts.

It’s holding her waist whilst asking her to make room for you.

It's standing in close proximity so you make contact with her.

It’s taking her nude picture without her consent.

It’s forwarding her nude pictures to your friends.

It’s begging for sex after being told ‘no’.

Then it progresses to sexual assault.

It becomes fondling, unwelcome touching, kissing.

It becomes trying to insert your dick inside an unwilling victim- rape.

It’s stealthing – non-consensual contraceptive removal.

It’s when she asks you to stop in the middle of sexual intercourse, but you keep going- rape.

It’s marital rape.

It’s attempted rape.

It’s non-consensual penetration of an orifice (anal, vaginal, oral), with your penis, finger or other objects in a sexual manner. It’s rape.

It’s continuing sexual intercourse after she said you’re hurting her.

It’s ‘non-consensual sex’- RAPE.

Sexual misconduct is

sexual intimidation,

sexual harassment,

sexual assault,

sexual exploitation,

sexual violence.

So, when you speak out on rape but remain silent on other forms of sexual misconduct, you enable that environment for rape culture to thrive, and next time, the hashtag could be a familiar name.


It could be your sister, who you ask to accompany you out of the room, so she’s not alone with your mate, but when it’s another girl, you willingly excuse yourself from the room, so she’s alone with that same mate.

She’s not your responsibility after all.

You’re an onlooker, you’re an instigator.

You’re a rape enabler.

When you decide to speak just to query the victim,

You’re an apologist.

When you comment only under posts of victims or survivors, and say, ‘It’s not just women, men are raped too’, or, Not all men’, or ‘What about the false accusations?’

You’re a deviator.

When you gaslight victims after they confide in you; ask them for proof that is impossible to provide, imply that the story is absurd,

You’re a silencer.



The Enablers of Rape Culture: Rape apologists, onlookers, silencers, instigators, deviators, accomplices.

It’s also imperative that you understand that these men are not pigs.

They’re not beast.

They’re men.

They’re sons, siblings, friends.

They’re around you and you see them.

You laugh at their rape jokes.

When they forward a nude to you, you forward it to the next person.

When they lie about having sex with certain women, you know it never happened, but you spread it regardless.

“Thank God, I’m not a rapist.” You say.

But how many times have you watered the environment?

Women are getting violated at an alarming rate.

It’s in religious places,

It’s in primary schools, secondary schools, universities,

It’s on buses,

It’s in workplaces,

It’s in gyms,

It’s in marketplaces.

It’s on the street.

It’s in homes.


There is no safe space for us and the existence of such is an illusion.

So, before you say, if we do all the right things, take all the necessary precautions, bad things won’t happen,

Remember that Uwa was in a church.

Barakat was at home.

Farishina was 12.

Ada was 13.

‘Men are not wood’, but are women vessels for pleasure?

Do we exist to be filled? Are we objects to be owned?

Just like you, shouldn’t our choices be ours? Our voices be heard?

Culture is not static. It responds to change.

So, if culture is learnt, then it can be unlearnt.

As individuals, it is our responsibility to work towards dismantling behaviours, practices, that allow for rape culture to thrive.

Women deserve for their stories to not be an epitome of sexual violence.



 







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6 Comments


Uwese Shalom
Uwese Shalom
Jul 09, 2020

Awesome write up!!

Like

Emmanuel Godwin
Emmanuel Godwin
Jun 22, 2020

This is a beautiful piece of write-up. Guys, beware of those that advise young guys to “be a man”. Maybe i should call them the “Trainers”, lol. They tell you you are a looser and less of a man if you don’t make such moves on a girl, probably teach you some tactics as well. That’s not being a man. Thumbs up Chereoge! Very educative!

Like

chiomamomahgrace3
Jun 15, 2020

Honestly this is amazing, touching every part and not just rape.

Keep doing your thing girl proud of you.

Like

georgeikechukwu30
Jun 15, 2020

Proud of you

Like

abassudofia99
abassudofia99
Jun 15, 2020

Omg, this is excellently written. There's no obscurity and it is very informative. Everyone should see this, Thank you.

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